Walking, June, and 21 Day Fix

Happy FriYAY!

Happy June.

Happy Summer.

Happy Hurricane Season!

 

So BIG news…Baby C is walking! I have video proof and at 11 months he is walking. My boys both seemed to have missed the memo that they are moderate/late term preemies and decided to just go on with their bad selves and walk before a year old. Honestly, I love it. Little unsteady waddles with arms out are the cutest!

Now that Baby C has been walking for about a week or so, he’s doing more walking than crawling and he’s getting pretty fast!

And, now that it’s June, it’s Baby C’s birth month which means in a couple short weeks I’m going to have a ONE YEAR OLD.

How on earth did this happen??!

All the cliches about the days are long the years are short yadda yadda yadda…yeah…they’re true. I’m really looking forward to the next several months though as he grows up and becomes even more interactive with us.

In addition to his new found freedom of walking, Baby C is signing more every day and his newest sign is “more” and “eat” which really is no surprise from my little chunky baby.

And last but not least, he knows how to play peek-a-boo! Gah! The cuteness!!

In other news I have started doing 21 Day Fix and I’m soooooore. I’m following the meal plan as well and at first the containers looked SO small I was wondering how on earth I was going to survive on such little food.

But them somethig amazing happens…after you stuff your 21 day fix container…let’s say the green one (vegetables), and dump what appears to be a measly amount of food that couldn’t even sustain a rabbit, let alone a human being, you have a shit ton of food on your plate!

Im serious.

Every.Single.Time. I fill my containers…green, purple, red, yellow, so on and so forth, I’m thinking “how on God’s green earth is this enough food??!!”

and Every.Single.Time. I dump my food onto my plate, I have SO much more food than I thought.

AND Every.Single.Time. I eat, I feel full. I’m not starving and I’m STILL nursing Baby C. In fact, I think my supply is up a little which I’m baffled by because Baby C eats 3 meals a day, albeit small ones, and maybe a snack or two. And some days his snack is just a quick nursing session.

So the only thing I can even remotely tie to my increase supply, is my daily Shakeology (chocolate!). It’s a nutrient dense super shake basically (I say this bc it’s not JUST a protein shake and it’s not JUST a meal replacement shake) so this makes sense but I’m still left very surprised by this because for real y’all I’m having to pump and I get 3-4oz from ONE side. And I’m starting to leak again!! Say what?!

And since I’ve already crossed into TMI terrority I’ll share this tid bit with you…

Shakeology is making me poop.

And in a really good way.

See recently my bowls have been a hot mess. It got so bad that I didn’t want to eat because 20 minutes later I’d be in the bathroom. I’ll spare you these details but suffice it to say, food was running right through me.

I quickly got on some good probiotics and then I got backed up. Which is never a problem for me so I was left dumbfounded. After a few weeks on probiotics, yes WEEKS, I was somewhat starting to get back to normal but I was still kinda eh about my bathroom habits. I was feeling bloated and gassy and it just wasn’t my normal (1-2 times a day EVERY day).

Enter Shakeology *drum roll*

Honestly, Shakeology was a part of my Beachbody challenge pack (21 day fix containers, on demand access to Beachbody workouts – YES it’s as amazing as it sounds) so I didn’t seek it out to help my poop (or lack thereof) challenges. I just figured I’d do as Autum says and include it in my 21 day fix challenge.

Y’all the first day I drank it I pooped 4 times.

4 TIMES.

Yep, new personal record.

And the best part was, I wasn’t cramping, gassy, or bloated. I simply just had to poo.

After 4 days on Shakeology, I FINALLY feel back to normal in regards to my colon. I feel empty after I go and I’m going 1-2 times a day again. Hallelujah!

So all that to say, is that the digestive enzymes, pre and probiotics are a workin’!

Now the workouts…as I said I’m sore. And I love it. It takes a lot of running for me to be sore and the leg exercises in 21 day fix definitely target all 4 of the muscles in my quads, plus my hamstrings and my glutes! I think at this point I’d have to run 10+ miles to feel any soreness, but with 21 day fix, a quick 30 minute workout routine has left me cringing every time I have to go to the bathroom. And y’all know I’m going at least twice.

I also love that the moves involve weights and it’s legit strength training WITH cardio. Seriously every move is working several muscles at a time and that’s what I love and that’s why it’s only 30 minutes. Life right now is just busy and especially on shift days when running isn’t always feasible, having a quick, extremely efficient at home workout is a game changer.

Y’all bottom line, this is my second Beachbody program to try and I’m in LOVE. Beachbody is on point.

I’ll be posting my progress on here over these next 2.5 weeks so be sure to check in!

 

Have you ever tried a Beachbody program?

What are your weekend plans?

Do you live in a hurricane prone area?

 

 

 

 

I Almost Became A Squirrel Murder Today

I almost became a squirrel murderer today.

Almost. Which is good because I just can’t handle having “squirrel murderer” on my conscience right now.

I dunno if these two squirrels were fighting over nuts, territory, or maybe one was a boy squirrel who is really into big bushy tails. Either way, I swerved and they ran back into a neighbor’s yard.

Disaster averted.

I also drove around my neighborhood like a crazed lunatic because Baby C fell asleep in the car. I know there are probably a million moms out there that have done this, but this was after I stopped at a cafe to grab a coffee and sat in their parking lot for 20 minutes thinking Baby C would wake up any minute.

The minutes passed, and the baby snored.

I can only imagine how pissed those small business owners were looking out their window and seeing me wasting time on my phone. If only they knew the struggle of a sleeping baby in the car.

So this post is random. Did I mention that already? *scrolls up*

Ah, nope I didn’t. Okay, so this post is going to be random – consider yourself warned. My mind is a jumbled mess between parenting, SAHMing, and flat out adulting. I’m convinced now there’s really an aliment called “SAHM Crazies”. And ya’ll I’m sufferin’ something fierce.

I want to be creative. Think, plan, solve….I don’t even know what I want. I do know I have got to get out of this house some more. And I do know I am not ready to face corporate world yet. But ya’ll oh how I miss managing projects. All the moving pieces – making order out of chaos.

Now if only I can make order out of the chaos that is my (recently turned) 5 year old. Seriously, being a mom is the hardest job I have ever had.

Okay, I’m getting a little off track here (see the crazies I tell ya!). So being creative, that I can do with this here blog. Oh, but what a can of worms this blog is.

See, I had a niche to write about. A corporate mom who had it all! I worked full time, raised kids, and LOVED it. And now the struggle bus has picked me up and plopped me in a big ol’ heapin’ pile of multiple identities. And now I don’t know what this blog is anymore. What do I write about? How can I inspire other working moms, and SAHM moms, and just MOMS?

You know the women in yoga pants, with unwashed hair, and the crazed look in their eyes? Ha…kidding.

Sorta.

So, here I am pretty much avoiding this little space of the internet because I dunno where to go with it. One day I’m on the right side of the proverbial fence and I’m all “Yes! Lets do this! I can write about whatever the heck I wanna write about!” And the other days, I’m on the left side of the fence, in the fetal position rocking back and forth, saying “Make it go away. Make it go away!”

And that’s where you come in.

What do you want me to write about?

What do you want to read? What do you like about this blog?

Also, why your at it, when you’re done fixing my “blog content direction” problem, will you also let me know what I should call this blog? M’kay thanks.

I’m a once-was pant suit wearing working mom, I’m a now-wearing yoga pants SAHM. I’m a boy mom, a firewife, a runner, a chemist, a project manager. I’m a sister, daughter, friend. I’m an introvert living in an extroverts world. I’m a sarcastic coffee lover and wine drinker. I’m an essential oil user, naturalist, and fitness enthusiast. I’m a neighbor, I’m a homeowner, I’m a down to earth southerner. I’m me. A hot mess me.

Just plain ol’ me. 


  1. What content would you like to see here?
  2. Help a gal out… if you were to rename this blog, what would it be?
  3. Answer questions 1 and 2 in the comments!
  4. 4. Seriously, please answer questions 1 and 2.
  5. Okay, ya’ll for real now, I expect a lot of comments with your ideas!

 

 

 

Let’s Catch Up

Hi.

Okay before you get all where the hell have you been PantsuitsMom, let me just say I know.

And I’m sorry.

Life has been crazy and I just needed to take a step back so I could keep my head above water.

So I’m gonna update you, but I’m warning…this might get long so grab a cup of coffee, or wine – no judgement here, and I’ll get started.

1. Took a trip to Florida in mid September so my folks could meet Baby C. Baby C cried the entire 10 hour drive turned 13 hour drive. Seriously. It was awful and I don’t want to talk about. The visit itself was great and Baby C is my parents’ 5th grandbaby.

2. While in Florida I ran my first race post Baby. A local 5k and I had a blast. It hurt like hell but my mom came out and stayed with the boys and it was awesome – my mom has always been my biggest running cheerleader.

3. When I got home I started to get back into our normal routine. School drop offs and pick ups, laundry, dishes etc. Then on Tuesday I walked back into the house and had a flood. My laundry room had about 3 inches of standing water!! WTF?!

img_1882

Might be hard to see but I promise you…water. Lots and lots of water.

4. Then Wednesday came along and Hurricane Matthew was practically knocking on my front door. So in the end I packed up my car, both kids and all 3 dogs and stayed with my aunt and uncle. A good time was had by all.

5. Mid October then brings us to Baby C’s 4 month update. Smiling, cooing, sleeping through the night (even a few nights of 8hrs!), loving baths, being held and hating his car seat! Still batteling reflux but this chunkster clocked in at 17lbs 2oz!

6. 33rd birthday for FirefighterDad! He had to work so Brother I helped me bake a cake and decorate it which we took to the fire station!

img_2029

7. Apples, apples, apples. When I returned from my quick hurricane evacuation my house was exploding with bananas, apples, and oranges. I froze most of the bananas, the oranges are going in beer (don’t judge) and the apples became two pies for Thanksgiving!

img_1884

8. Shortly after this, Mable got out of the backyard and was gone for 4 days!! I was a wreck. A hot mess. I searched, I drove, I put up flyers, I cried, I prayed. Finally the animal society where I had filed a lost animal report had her!! I got her that morning and that night she chewed a hole in our privacy fence and took off down the street. I shit you not. Thank goodness I noticed and was able to get her but it’s become very clear that she’s not happy in our home, so we are fostering her and looking for a forever home for her. During this time we also got our leaking water heater replaced and the pump on our washing machine fixed.

9. The end of October was obviously Halloween. We had a baby Dalmatian and a Ninja turtle! A great time we all had!

img_1984

10. Early November was a blur of catching up on laundry and yet again getting back into normal post-loosing Mable and realizing she needs a new home.

11. Election Day. 2 hours. Vote cast. ‘Nuff said.

12. Blurr of shift days, OT, EMT class, ride alongs, wine, beer, lemon drops. Life.

13. Yesterday I ran my second race post Baby!! A half marathon! My slowest half ever but I had a blast! I quickly found a group of ladies to run/walk it with and I had a great time! Time flew by until about mile 9.5 then I was doing everything I could to keep the cramping at bay. It was tough. But it was glorious. And best part, all 3 of my boys were at the finish line cheering me on!

14. Today was suppose to be family pics that got rained out. The sweet photographer is willing to reimburse me so besides a little annoyance we made the best of it by snapping some selfies. Lemons into lemonade I tell ya!

15. And finally, tomorrow Baby C will be 5 months. I just can’t even…

Ya’ll that’s all I have for you.

P.S. At some point the guest blog post from my sis will go up (bless her heart I have nagged and nagged and nagged and I still haven’t posted it two months later. Oops).

P.P.S. Oh yeah, I quit Insanity. I missed running so I focused on that, and well, the above 15 are my excuses.

P.P.P.S During all this time I did win my first ever blog giveaway so there’s that!! Thanks Living Lighter in Atlanta!

Until next time ya’ll!

3 Months

On Wednesday September 14th Baby C turned 3 months old.

Ya’ll it’s all going by so fast!!

He’s already wearing size 6 months clothes! Is this normal? I remember Brother I being in newborn clothes forever, then 3 months forever, then 6 months FOREVER.

Baby C on the other hand is jumping sizes faster than I can keep up!

He’s in size 2 diapers and recently has gone from sleeping 5 hours at night to 7.5 hours! I’m so grateful for a longer stretch of sleep even if I do have to pump to be comfortable.

Baby C is such a happy baby! This past month he’s really blossomed with his smiles, coos, squeals, and “talking”. I absolutely love mornings with him. As I sit and drink my coffee, Baby C and I catch up and he’s ALL smiles. #meltmyheart #mommasboy

Baby C is also on a really good routine and I find it predictable which is awesome! He’s always been very obvious when he’s tired because his eyelids and area around his eyebrows get red, but now knowing his general nap times is awesome and allows for easier out of the house adventures.

Another knew development is that Baby C has put himself to sleep many times this past month. It first started in the car – I think the movement and noise lulled him to sleep. Sometimes he still cried and needed his pacifier, but for the most part falling asleep in the car is super easy for him to do now! He’s also fallen asleep by himself in his bed (in my room) after a middle of the night feeding. Occasionally I have to lean over and pat his back (he still sleeps on his tummy) but he eventually drifts off to sleep.

Speaking of tummy, Baby C sleeps really well this way but he’s not a fan of tummy tie anymore or playing on his back. I don’t know if this is because of his reflux or if it’s because he just enjoys standing up and looking at mommy, daddy, and brother. Either way he hasn’t done much rolling over from tummy to back recently. And he’s really strong and loves to stand on his legs as we hold him. Maybe he’ll be an early walker like his big brother!

Right now at 3 months Baby C weighed 15lbs 5oz and measured 23.5 inches long. He’s getting so big and has thighs for dayzzzz!

He’s wearing 6 month clothes and size 2 diapers.

Baby C’s Likes:

Eating

Smiling at mommy, daddy, and brother,

Baths

Being carried in the Ergo

Being outside

His piano mat briefly

Being toasty warm when sleeping

Pacifer

 

Baby C’s Dislikes:

Being hungry

Being tired

Having a dirty diaper

Medicine

Playing on the floor/not being held

 

Baby C is such a joy and I feel so blessed to have this little boy to complete our family!

 

 

 

Oh man, I have a blog?!

I know, I know, I know.

You all missed me and wonder what happened to me.

Maybe I was swept away by Hermine or maybe I just forgot that I had a blog.

In any case, I’m here and I didn’t get swept away or forget…I just got flat out busy with life.

1. We had a dear friend visit us over Labor Day weekend and it was wonderful but it also kinda threw off my routine. So after her visit, I spent the next couple of days tracking Baby C’s routine. It seemed like he was all over the place and he was waking up every 1.5-2hrs at night. And I was tired. And irritable. And hormonal. And I desperately wanted to fix his routine. I quickly realized that there was actually nothing to fix. He’s sleeping, then eating, then playing. It just wasn’t what I wanted. But when does a baby do what we want, ya know? So I let go of my fix-it nature and a beautiful thing happened. Baby C showed me his routine. And ya’ll, my frustration quickly subsided and instead of stressing, I was once again enjoying my sweet baby. My last baby. And just like that Baby C slept for 4 hours the first night, then 5 hours, then last night he slept for 5 hours and 40 mins.

2. I have officially eliminated dairy from my diet. Baby C’s reflux is still a daily presence. I think it’s being managed, but it’s not gone. He refluxes, spits up, chokes, and coughs multiple times a day. Fortunately, he doesn’t seem to be in pain, so I think the meds are working but the spit up has gotten out of control. It’s like water works central over here – except you know, it’s breastmilk. I’m going to try dairy free for a few weeks and see if there is improvement. If not, or Baby C gets worse, it’s back to the pediatrician we go.

3. Postpartum hair loss is in full force ya’ll! Like holy moly, I don’t know how I’m not bald at this point. It’s so bad that I dread washing my hair, brushing my hair, or pretty much doing anything with it.

4. Insanity is still going. I did the second fit test and saw improvement on all 8 exercises. Then I took 3 days off. I know. But my knees hurt, I was tired (see #1), my lower back hurt, and ya’ll I’m 29 now so I’m no spring chicken. Excuses, excuses. I think part of my lack of interest is that II’m missing running and I’m bored with Insanity. I’m ready to try other routines, but once I get started with a DVD, I do enjoy it. So starting tomorrow it’s back to Insanity full force!

5. Brother I had his first soccer game and it was a mix of smiles, running, falling down, tears, being tired, and being Hangry. But he pulled through and his team, along with him, did great!

6. I went to the chiropractor. Oh how I missed this! It’s amazing how much better my body feels after an adjustment. With breastfeeding and sleeping, my neck was all jacked up so I’ll be going back this week to follow up on it. I think Baby C will get adjusted too; I’m hoping this will help with his reflux some.

7. I’ll be making a trip back home (Florida) with both boys and all 3 dogs soon. I’m mentally running through the logistics and my game plan, but wish me luck now. I’m hoping all the luck will build up and accumulate so I’ll be good to go!

8. I have a very special guest post from my sister that I will be posting very soon – so stayed tuned. She’s basically the awesome-est person ever and an incredible sister and mom. You don’t want to miss it- trust me!

9. That’s all for now folks!

10. Fill me in on your happenings!

Tropical Storm Hermine (& Insanity Day 12)

Really quick….day 12 ended up being an impromptu rest day. For a lot of reasons…my knees were still sore, my back and hips were tight and sore, I was tired, oh and a tropical storm was barreling up the east coast. I could have easily done this workout but I took a rest day and will get back into it today with Pure Cardio.

Now let’s talk about Hermine.

Living on the east coast, we were expected to lose power. So I lowered my refrigerator and freezer setting a to their coldest setting (thanks mom for this tip!) and I packed my 80+ ounces of frozen breastmilk as best I could. I also lowered our AC a couple degrees in anticipation of power going out.

FirefighterDad also made sure we had flashlights…

image

 

and candles…

image

and plenty of water.

image

Ya’ll, I even scrubbed out my bath tub and filled it with water! Because you know, #alwaysbeprepared #youcanneverhavetoomuchwater #ilearnedallthisfromgrowingupinflorida

And then we waited.

FirefighterDad worked on his EMT course.

I tracked Hermine.

Brother I played with his puzzles and his K’Nex.

image

Both boys then watched as FirefighterDad took advantage of the power and played some video games.

image

#laundryonthecouch #reallife

And Baby C got in lots of naps and some good piano mat time.

image

So we waited.

And waited.

I was preparing for this….

image

And got this…

image

Since Hermine jutted just a liiitle north….we barely got anything at all. We did get some rain on and off throughout the day and had some wind gusts of 20-30mph, but the worst part was from 8:30 to 10:30 pm…and it was just some wind and rain. Nothing more than a thunderstorm.

I know Florida (what up home state?!) got hit hard with devastating storm surge and flooding and Hermine is still continuing her tour of the east coast, so my prayers are with everyone at this time. Please stay indoors and stay safe!

 

Insanity Day 11 and a bunch of randomness

Day 11 done. Not much to report here. It was a recovery day and I took “recovery” to an extreme.

Now for randomness…

1. My scalp hurts ya’ll! With Insanity I was washing my hair every day but after almost two weeks of this my scalp got so tender and it hurts now! I also have little bumps…maybe I’m allergic to my shampoo? Needless to say, I’m not using shampoo every day now and brushing my hair VERY carefully.

2. Once upon a time I made homemade granola. And it has changed my life. And my sister’s. And now I can’t eat yogurt without granola.

3. Just this morning I learned that oatmeal has protein in it!!! Who knew?! I’m aiming to get in 100 grams of protein a day while doing Insanity so moral of the story…read nutrition labels.

4. Yesterday was soccer practice. I love my Bugaboo (Brother I). He warms my heart and made me a mommy. But right now, my only goal in life is to get through soccer practice without tears.

5. Hurricanes, tropical storms, tropical depressions…oh my. I live on the southern east coast….Labor Day will be rain and more rain.

And a couple pictures of my boys


What shampoo do you use?

Are you a fan of granola in your yogurt?

What are your Labor Day plans?

Living With Boys Moment #1

I started these waaaayyy back when Brother I was just a teeny tiny baby right out of the NICU. I would send them via text to my mom and sister as a way to share a part of our life but also for a good laugh.

Sometimes it would be me recapturing a moment – like when both Baby and Daddy farted….then they both laughed about it. #Yesthatreallyhappened

Or sometimes I’d share a picture like Daddy in his underwear holding Baby in his diaper. #seriouslyyoucantmakethisstuffup

But through the years I never wrote these down in a journal or documented them in anyway as a fun keepsake. #memories #sentimental

So now that Baby C is here and we have expanded the testosterone in our family, I thought it would be fun to bring back my Living With Boys Moments and document them here on this ol’ blog of mine.

Although this isn’t technically our first moment, it’s the first of many I will be sharing!

 

August 31, 2016 LWBM #1

In Brother I’s bath tonight I noticed some strange floaties in the water so I asked him what they were. “Oh, those are just from my farts.”

 

Good to know…and I’m sorry I asked.

Insanity Days 8, 9, and 10 and a little update.

Insanity is going ya’ll. This week has been a little tougher for a couple of reasons…

1. I’m getting a little bored. I’m still rotating through the same workout routines and I’m craving some variety. I’m still enjoying them when I get started, but I’m also looking forward to adding in a new routine – cardio abs!

2. I’m feeling tired this week. Maybe it’s the increase in physical activity but I actually took a nap yesterday and that never happens.

3. I’m pretty sure Baby C is going through a growth spurt. He’s eating every 2 hrs during the day and night. This I’m sure reflects #2.

4. Doubt. I’m having a lot of doubt. I don’t look any different – yet. I’m eating well but my diet isn’t perfect (I’m talkin’ about you 9pm PB&J). I’m really trying not to weigh myself but I did. And I’m up 2 lbs. Maybe it’s muscle, maybe it’s water weight, maybe it’s my body’s normal fluctuations – I dunno. Either way, the doubt is effecting my mental game.

5. My knees hurt. I really noticed it today while doing jumping jacks during the warm up. So I skipped these and did some stretching and then joined Shaun T for the rest of the routine. Once I got warmed up and did some stretching, my knees felt fine. Tomorrow I’m going to wear a more cushioned running shoe and see if that helps.

6. My lower back hurts. I’m 99% sure this is because my abs are weak and I’m using my back to compensate. Today I really focused on my core and stretched out my lower back. I’m hoping this eases off as my core gets stronger.

Now let’s talk about the good things…

1. I am getting stronger! I notice slight improvements. I can go further in a routine before stopping, I can do more reps, or I can keep up with Shaun T. All good signs!

2. I’m still sore but not debilitatingly so. I have a general underlying level of soreness. But every morning I wake up and it’s localized in a different area. I take this to mean the different DVDs and routines are working various muscle groups!

3. I’m being consistent with strength training for once. Even if I don’t get the post-pregnancy tummy tight or the chiseled abs, I do know all this hard work will benefit my running big time!

And now a quick little update…

Brother I started soccer and he’s loving it. He’s still going to school (preschool/daycare) as well which gives him a full schedule. He’s adjusted so well to being a big brother and loves Baby C! Evidently he talks about his baby brother a lot at school according to his teachers!

Brother I has also started to join me while I do my “exercises”(Insanity). From what I can see, his favorites are sucides, heismens, and the yoga stretching! He’s a lot of fun to have around while I’m working my butt off and provides a bit of comic relief.

Baby C’s reflux is a challenge. On one hand I think the meds are helping with the pain, but on the other hand, it’s not stopping the reflux. He’s had a lot more spit up (which the meds don’t prevent), and congestion which makes it hard for him to sleep, nurse, and generally be comfortable. We’re still doing breathing treatments at least twice a day if not 3 times. Fortunately he’s gaining weight well, and is still much happier compared to when he was originally diagnosed.

I’m also starting to lay Baby C down for his long naps in his crib and it’s been really successful! He naps in there for about an hour with a white noise app playing on my phone. He also is starting to enjoy toys and loves playing on his piano mat.

FirefighterDad is taking an EMT course now which means he’s very busy and only is getting one true day off out of his “48 off”. Fortunately he’s at the closest station to our house (a mile down the road!) so the boys and I stop in for visits as we can.

I’m not sure why but I have been feeling like I’m in survival mode right now.  It’s not bad by any means, but I feel like I get my head above water, then something falls behind like laundry, dishes, or general house stuff. And some days I give myself grace and let it all go, but I have to say after a couple days of it I can’t stand it and spend a whole week playing catch up. I know in just a few short weeks, life will be different as Baby C grows and sleeps a bit more at night, so I’m just surviving this time and taking it a day at time. I’m focusing on soaking up baby snuggles, sweet moments with Brother I, and easing myself into this whole SAHM gig.


How has your week been?

Any special Labor Day plans?

We are a family of 4.

Baby C is our last child.

We took permanent measures to ensure this.

My uterus will never support a growing life again.

My cycle will return (please not any time soon!) and it will be a reminder that I am fertile, but not growing a life.

And I’m happy about all of the above.

And sad.

And content.

Confused?

Yeah, me too.

The best way to put it – it’s bittersweet.

I’m content though.

I’m at peace with our decision.

And I 100% stand by our decision to keep our family as a family of 4.

But I’m also savoring every single moment with Baby C right now, knowing I will never hold another baby that FirefighterDad and I created together.

It’s a mix of emotions.

It’s complicated.

It’s messy.

But it’s right for us.

 

Persepctive. It’s a crazy thing. It can instantly make you see clearly. It can make you change your mind, or reaffirm your decision.

And as I laid in my hospital bed at 23 weeks and 5 days and 2 cm dialated, I got all the perspective I needed.

My body doesn’t do pregnancy.

My baby was measuring 1lb 8oz….a weight the neonatalogist was ecstatic about.

It moved our odds a bit closer to 50%.

Odds that aren’t terrible.

People make bets on 50% odds.

50% odds are good odds.

Unless thoughs odds mean the difference between life and death.

Now 50% is a terrible percentage.

These were our odds with Baby C.

He could live, or he could die.

And we prepared for both outcomes.

We talked about an extended NICU stay with life sustaining measures.

And we talked about comfort care. Keeping our baby comfortable until he was called Home.

Two very different conversations, but when you have barely 50% odds, you have both conversations.

And in those moments I knew he would be our last baby.

Regardless of the outcome, he would be our last.

In those moments I tried to remove myself emotionally from the life I was carrying. I actually, at one point, convinced myself I didn’t love this child. I mean how could I? I never met him, saw him, or held him. I didn’t know him, so if the coin landed on death, I would be fine.

Then a split second later, I would cry.

Whole body shaking sobs.

Because I knew better than that. My heart was already so in love with the life I was carrying. And I knew if the odds weren’t in our favor, it would be the worst pain I had ever felt in my life.

So as nurses and doctors worked to stop my labor and keep Baby C cooking, I cried and I prayed.

And I knew I would do whatever it took to never get pregnant again.

Because when it comes to your child, no one wants 50% odds.

When it comes to your child’s viability, 50% odds are terrible.

Fortunately, our story has a happy ending.

With both of our boys.

With Brother I, I got 28 more days of pregnancy and delivered at 33 weeks and 5 days to a 5lb 8oz baby.

We weathered two NICU stays, but we have a healthy, happy, and vibrant 4 year old.

And with Baby C I got 12 more weeks of pregnancy and delivered at 35 weeks and 4 days to a 6lb 10oz baby.

We are weathering reflux, but we have a healthy, happy, and vibrant 2 month old.

We.Are.Lucky.

Our story could have been different so easily.

So I’m content.

I’m at peace.

Perspective is a gift I will always be grateful for.

So every day I savor.

I savor the snuggles, baby wearing, newborn floppies, sweet baby milk breath, baths, nursing, smiles, coos, and even the ache I feel when I hear the distinct sound of my newborn cry.

I savor the soft newborn hair, the smooth baby skin against mine, the diaper changes, the spit up, and the sleepless nights.

I savor the vulnerable newborn period – the time I feel the most like a mother. Able to provide food, comfort, and love in the most raw and uninhibited way possible.

I savor the moments, good and bad, committing them to memory.

Beacuse our family is complete.

We are a family of 4.

A family of 4 with a happy ending.